The car ride home is an experience that helps define a parent / child relationship. Here are six topics that have helped me improve myself, understand my son better and allowed him to challenge himself to be the best athlete he can be. This is your third ride sitting in the backseat of my car listening in on our relationship. And if you’re wondering… yes, he did agree to everything written.
Part 3) How to stop dumping your stress on your kids.
Recently, I spoke to a group of baseball parents while their kids were beginning a Friday night winter program. I spoke about how our stress and anxiousness while watching them doesn’t decrease as they get older. It only increases.
The players’ ages ranged from nine to twelve. Every player wanted to be there to improve his or her skills.
Every parent desires to see their young athlete perform to the best of his or her ability, and hopefully, see their child go on to do something in their chosen sport.
My son is sixteen and he is now one of the young coaches on this Friday night instilling what he has learnt from the game. I told the parents when my son was twelve I chatted with him about what he thinks of me yelling from the sideline giving him instructions and trying to inspire him.
My son said bluntly, “Dad, it doesn’t help.” He went on to say that none of his teammates liked when their parents called out. He was brutal in his appraisal and it sort of stunned me.
I thought I made a difference. I certainly did, but not the difference I imagined.
In reality, it was the difference between my son enjoying the game and not; the difference between him learning from someone else without me interfering; the difference between him having his own pressures on the playing field and then also being loaded down with my stress that I unknowingly dumped on him.
That’s exactly what I was doing, unknowingly dumping my stress on him.
In my excitement I believed I was helping and inspiring when I was only increasing stress and anxiety.
Fortunately, my son is not an anxious kid. Thankfully, because of his mum, he is calm and collected. I wanted to be a part of that calmness and give him a further chance to do well. I decided that day when my son told me, “Dad, it doesn’t help,” to shut up and let him play without my interference from the side.
I asked the parents that first night of winter development to have that brave conversation with their child; ask them if they like all the yelling and instruction from the sideline. I told them there is enough pressure on our kids without having to be burdened with our excitement issues and inability to shut up. *
Nothing gives me more pleasure now than when my son says to me, “Dad, you really helped.” Isn’t that what we all really want to hear from our kids one day? They have the rest of their lives to gain their own stresses without sharing ours inadvertently from the sideline or the car ride home.
* There is NO fine line between cheering and calling out instructions. Cheer your heart out; applaud your child’s effort. Even clap the opposition team. All your child needs to hear from you after the game is, “I enjoyed watching you play.”
Mark Maguire
(You can contact me at maguireonfire@bigpond.com if you would like to discuss your experience or dilemma. I’m always open to learning something new and I’m always open to giving time and thought to help)
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